Jester's Bluff
by dragonfan810
Summary: When Lincoln finds a mysterious phone number in one of Luan's joke notebooks he vows to get to the bottom of it. Little does he know, that with sisters who all went through a 'phase' at one point or another, and the only sibling he knew would help seemingly working against him, it's going to be much harder than he thought. However, they both have the same goal; to help Luan before
1. Forewarning

Before you read this story please read this page (At least the first part before the line)

This is not going to be a happy story, it will be triggering for some people.

This is a vent fic that I write chapters for when I'm feeling particularly down and have no motivation to draw. There will be blood, self-harm, mentions of suicide, and maybe death. These are difficult topics to handle and I've seen them completely butchered and misrepresented far too many times so I hope to represent them well from the point of view of someone who was and is there. If this is not your cup of tea I completely understand, if you want to read on I hope you enjoy.

The reason I chose Luan to be the center of the story is that I freaking LOVE puns and I use them and other forms of humor as an outlet or sort of coping mechanism, so when I first started watching The Loud House I instantly liked and felt a connection with Luan. I got a few ideas from an awesome fic I read, written by a friend, (more info in 1st chapter's author's note to avoid spoilers) and when 'No Laughing Matter' aired the way Luan acted when she gave up comedy really struck a chord with me and thus this fic was born.

This is already way too long so I'll end it here. Thanks for reading 3


	2. Chapter 1

" _Waiting for the end to come_

 _Wishing I had strength to stand_

 _This is not what I had planned_

 _It's out of my control"_

 _-Linkin Park, Waiting for the End_

It was a cloudy Sunday in Royal Woods Michigan. Anywhere outdoors was almost deserted as people took shelter from the cold, pelting rain. One boy in particular had just gotten home from walking his dog. Lincoln Loud unhooked Charles from his leash, letting the wet dog run free. He headed to his room, passing Luan on the stairs.

Lincoln changed into dry clothes and looked around his room.

"Hmm, what to do?" Lincoln wondered aloud, "Wait a minute!"

He started sifting through his drawers, trying to find the latest two issues of Ace Savvy that he had bought a few days prior and only read once. Finally, he grabbed ahold of something that felt vaguely like one of his comics, when he actually pulled it out from his drawer he was surprised to see a marble composition book labeled 'Joke Notebook Vol. 9.'

It had been two weeks since the Chortle Portal incident, when Luan almost gave up comedy after hearing her other siblings vent about her. Lincoln thought he had given back all of her joke books after she had won the Junior Comedian Competition. He then remembered that he had roughly shoved this one in is drawer after Luan almost walked in on him practicing his routine for the Chortle Portal.

Lincoln checked the composition book for rips or tears from his admittedly too rough treatment of it. On the outside it was fine, aside from a piece of scotch tape that had apparently ripped and was now sticking up on the bottom on the cover. Upon further inspection he saw that the tape had been holding a split in the cover closed. He lifted the notebook and out of the pocket that the tear formed a piece of paper fell.

"What's this?" Lincoln picked up the piece of paper and read it quietly, "1-800-273-8255? Whose number is this?"

At that moment his door opened and Luan peeked her head in, "Hey Linc, just wondering if you've seen Volume 9 of my joke books, I was reorganizing from the other week and…" Her eyes landed on Lincoln, "Noticed…" When she registered what he had in his hand her eyes narrowed, "It was missing…"

At that point she crossed the small space in between them and tugged both the phone number and the notebook out of Lincoln's hands, "Please take better care of my stuff and don't snoop through it next time." The words were said in a perfectly normal tone and the action, though slightly aggressive, didn't seem out of the ordinary. There was, however, something off, Lincoln could feel it.

"Luan, wait," Just as she was about to walk away she turned her head towards him, "Are you feeling okay? Who did that number belong to?"

Luan's gaze softened and her signature smile crept across her face, "The number is just from a friend of mine. Anyway I'm fine Linc."

He still looked worried.

"C'mon, don't be like that, you know I'm an open book!" She waved her notebook around and laughed, "Get it?"

That seemed to satisfy him for the time being, "Alright Luan, have fun."

Said sister merely replied with a smile and was out the door.

Lincoln found himself unable to concentrate on his beloved comic. Since he had started reading an hour ago he barely gotten through half of it. Sighing, he haphazardly tossed the comic onto his dresser without bothering to save his page. It wasn't as if he actually paid attention to anything he read. Something about Luan just seemed off and yet exactly the same as usual.

"Maybe I'm just being paranoid, it's not like she was acting any differently than usual, right?"

As expected, there was no answer.

"She said she was okay!"

Again, nothing.

"Besides she's always so cheery! Trying to make other people laugh, smiling all the time…"

' _What about the other week when she gave up comedy?'_

' _She didn't smile then.'_

"That was because of what we said about her, it was a one time thing."

' _How can you be sure?'_

Lincoln growled in frustration, deciding to cease arguing with himself. He lifted himself off his bed and headed out into the hallway. All the doors were open.

All but one.

 _Luna and Luan's room._

The white haired boy tentatively tiptoed to the doorway and pressed his ear to the door. He could hear a muffled conversation but couldn't make out most of the words.

"Hey…Want to hang… Day."

"Like… Tree?"

"No, not…"

"Then… me out!"

Deciding he wasn't going to figure anything out that way he opened the door and heard the tail end of Mr. Coconuts' laugh.

"Hey, Luan?"

She turned to face him so quickly that it wouldn't have been surprising if she got whiplash. She then stood and tossed Mr. Coconuts onto her bed, something very uncharacteristic as she treated the dummy like a child most times, and addressed Lincoln with a smile.

"What's up Linc?"

No pun.

No joke.

' _She said she was going to tone it down, you're overreacting.'_

' _Something isn't right.'_

He was pulled from his mind by a snap in front of his face.

"Linc… Linc… Lincoln!"

"Huh?" He said dumbly when he realized Luan was standing right in front of him.

Said sister put her hands on her hips and raised one eyebrow questioningly.

"You good?

"Yeah, yeah, _I'm_ fine," He changed his tone to a more relaxed one, "What about you, you haven't cracked a single joke this whole time. Are you sick or something?"

"I did promise to tone the jokes back, if I'm annoying to my own family then what's-" She paused, "I want to see you guys smiling, and if I'm annoying you that's not going to happen."

' _Acting casual got me something I suppose…'_

"I am feeling a bit under the weather though," She pointed outside, where it still looked like a monsoon, and grinned like a madman, "I'm gonna go to bed early, please refrain from _storming_ in, lest you _rain_ on my parade!"

Lincoln checked the time on his phone as Luan guided him out of her room, "It's barely 7:30!"

"I know, it's just I've been kinda tired and as I said I'm not feeling good," She rubbed the back of her head and Lincoln got a good look at her face up close in the light of the hallway.

She was more pale than usual and had dark circles around her tired looking eyes. If she was sick she certainly looked the part.

"Alright, feel better Luan."

"Thanks Linc," she shot him a warm smile before turning around and shutting her door.

Lincoln felt relieved as he walked back to his room.

' _She's okay, just getting sick.'_

' _Everything will turn out fine…'_

' _Right?'_

Luan stood in front of her door for a few seconds, waiting until she heard the sound of her brother's footsteps descending on the stairs to step back. She let out a sigh that would put Lucy to shame and hunched over a bit, pressing a palm to her temple. Luan turned the light off and headed back towards her and Luna's bunk bed, grateful that she had the bottom bunk instead of the top one, right now even just breathing felt like an enormous task. She settled down, laying her head down on her pillow. As expected sleep didn't come.

' _Why can't I just sleep.'_

' _I'm so tired.'_

As usual her mind felt blank and yet was buzzing with thoughts. She just wanted it to stop.

Luan groaned in frustration and rolled into a sitting position, her legs hanging off the side of the bed and her feet flat on the floor. She stared through the darkness at her joke books. Her eyes locked onto the fresh tape on the cover of Volume 9.

Maybe tonight she would finally call.

Luan made a move to get up but stopped and then settled her weight back on the bed.

No.

' _You're too weak.'_

' _Besides, what are they going to do besides tell you to talk to your parents?'_

That wasn't an option.

Besides, who'd even believe her?

She thought back to Lincoln, it wasn't surprising he picked up on her foul mood today. Honestly, what she was surprised about was that he didn't pick up on her depression sooner, he always was observant, especially when it came to his sisters.

Not that her other siblings didn't care. She was just good at hiding those feelings and her sisters were usually oblivious.

' _Keep telling yourself that.'_

Luan shook her head, desperately trying and failing to clear the negative thoughts. She would have to be more careful. She fell back on her bed, it was getting harder and harder to do basic things everyday and she wasn't sure how much longer she could function. Even making jokes had become harder, they never just rolled off her tongue anymore, especially since she overheard her siblings talking about her.

Luan hadn't even known what to act when she quit comedy, just choosing not to appear as sad as she felt.

' _Lincoln is going to be a problem.'_

She laid in her bed for a while, silently hoping, waiting for the end to her thoughts and maybe even more, before sleep crept up on her and her world went black.

 **The whole 'suicide hotline number falling out of Luan's notebook' thing was inspired by one of the later chapters of JamesSutherlandsPillow's "Wanderers" read iiiiitt**

 **Take care lovelies**


	3. Chapter 2

" _Well, I know I should be moving on_

 _But I feel like I'm already gone_

 _Now if somebody'd hold me, save me from_

 _This broken record that's playing in my heart"_

 _-Hollywood Undead, Broken Record_

Luna had just finished her breakfast when her mom called out, barely audible over the chaos of the Loud house on a Monday morning.

"Have any of you seen Luan?" Rita tried desperately to be heard, mostly in vain.

"I'll get her ma!"

Luna deposited her plate and silverware in the sink then jogged up the stairs to her and Luan's room. The door was already open so she just walked in. When she saw Luan it was clear that something was out of the ordinary. Luan was one of those people who spread out and moved around when she slept, and yet here she was, lying deathly still in the fetal position with her blanket bunched around her face and covering everything lower. Luna approached slowly and gently shook Luan's shoulder.

"You 'aight, luv?" She asked when her younger sister stirred, "It's getting late and we've gotta get to school."

Luan groaned and shifted so that she was laying on her back and finally opened her eyes. Luna noted that she was in her daywear and could only guess she had never changed into her pajamas since it didn't seem like Luan had gotten up that morning.

"You look fucking awful, dude." Luna said, first making sure none of the younger Louds were within earshot.

Luan grumbled what Luna could only interpret as a sarcastic 'thanks.' She tried to sit up, her elbows buckling a few times before she could push and hold herself up. Luna could only watch as her usually energetic sister struggled to swing her legs over the side of the bed and stand. After a few attempts she merely pushed Luan back down gently.

"Maaybe you should stay home today sis. You're worrying me."

"Yea…" Luan spoke at last.

"Do you want me to stay with you? Nothin' much going on at school today so I won't miss anything." Luna silently hoped Luan would say yes.

Luan hoped for the same thing.

"No, I'll probably just be sleeping anyway." She answered.

Luna still looked worried but nonetheless gave Luan a warm smile. She asked Luan to lie down again, which she did happily, and tucked her little sister in. Luna gave her a kiss on the forehead and headed out the door.

"Feel better sis,"

Luan wanted to tell her to come back, not to leave her alone in the house with her thoughts for the whole day, but Luna was already down the stairs before she could get any words out. Besides, her head was pounding and she didn't think that she'd be able to stand long.

Luan sighed, staring at the wall and listening to the fading sounds of her siblings as they left the house. Her mind went fuzzy as sleep once again consumed her world.

The Loud siblings filed into the old van. Luna buckled her seatbelt and put her headphones over her ears. It was strange, she'd been to concerts ten times as loud as the noise level in the van and been fine, yet often needed something to muffle the sounds of her sisters and brother in the morning.

She shuffled her songs and the familiar beginning of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters reached her ears. As the music played her thoughts shifted to Luan. The comedian was almost always energetic and wore a smile, mornings included even if it was less so. For something to make her act like she did when Luna tried to wake her, it had to be bad. Luna thought back, had Luan really been herself lately?

She realized it had been a long time since Luan had hopped out of bed early enough for her to see. Other then that she'd been her usual self.

No

' _The Chortle Portal'_

Luan never let her sibling's annoyed reactions or anyone's insults get her down, but that time…

' _She did…'_

Luna pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering what else she forgot, what she missed, what she paid no mind to.

'It's probably just a passing thing, everyone gets like that sometimes, right? Just stress from school and everything.'

Luna talked to herself in her head, convincing herself Luan would be fine and deciding to be extra supportive, at least until the grey clouds cleared and there were sunny skies ahead.

* * *

Luan woke up many times, never getting up or getting a good enough rest to feel better. When she opened her eyes and saw that the clock read 2:46 PM she gave up trying to sleep. She stared into space for an hour and decided to look at the clock again.

Just in time to see the number change to 2:47.

Luan dug her palms into her eyes and let out a groan. She looked up at the bottom of Luna's bed then decided to check the time again.

2:47…

Fuck.

Luan rose like a zombie, complete with sound effects, and stumbled out of her bed, forcing herself to stand. Everything felt strange, like she wasn't in her own body. In the process of going down the stairs she almost fell a few times but pushed to get to the bottom without breaking a bone. When she succeeded she wasn't sure what to do and leaned against the wall, trying to think. Maybe she could eat a little something?

Both her mind and body protested at the thought.

She thought of the other things that the kitchen held, one thing in particular becoming increasingly alluring the more she thought about it.

' _No'_

' _No no nonono."_

' _NO!'_

She realized that she was already halfway there, her body moving on it's own accord. Luan pulled back, she didn't want to do what being there alone would inevitably lead to.

' _Well…'_

' _Maybe…'_

It took every ounce of self control she had to make her way to the couch and sit. She grasped the remote tightly and stared at the blank screen of the television.

' _Do it.'_

' _Dooooo iiit…'_

Luan was tired of her thoughts.

' _You'll feel better.'_

The same thing over and over again.

' _Listen to yourself."_

She desperately tried to push the negative thoughts away.

' _You'll be okay...'_

There we go.

' _If you just do what you know you want to.'_

Fuck.

' _You're pathetic.'_

"I do have a good _point_ there." Luan whispered to herself.

She looked around for a clock and the emptiness in her torso was accompanied by the weight of dread as she realized the one that used to be in the room had been broken a few weeks ago. She'd have to go to the kitchen.

Luan got to her feet shakily, she'd just have to control herself. She walked into the kitchen, plotting a clear path to a point where she'd be able to read the time.

And stopped at the silverware drawer.

' _Don't do it.'_

' _Do it.'_

' _Don't."_

' _Do it, do it, do it.'_

She opened the drawer slowly, only thinking about all the other alternatives to coming in the kitchen that a side of her one track mind suppressed.

Luan opened the drawer and her eyes fell on a freshly sharpened fillet knife.

' _Maybe this is for the best.'_

She moved a shaking hand forward and grasped the black handle.

' _Maybe this will help.'_

She thought back to all the harm she's caused people, her own family included. Especially on April first.

' _Maybe this is what I deserve.'_

Luan brought the blade closer to her body, taking shaky breaths as she felt the cold metal touch the delicate skin of her forearm.

She prepared to apply pressure and in one quick motion-

The front door jimmied.

Luan's eyes opened wide and she shoved the knife back into the drawer and closed it. She wiped the alarm off her face just as the door creaked open and let a stampede of kids through. Only Lisa went upstairs to do her homework while the rest did their daily job of keeping the Loud house loud.

An explosion rang out.

' _And there goes Lisa, doing her part.'_

Luan was just about to head to her room when Luna materialized in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Hey sis, I know you gotta keep it calm today but you up for just chillin' with me in our room for a bit?"

Luan cocked her head a bit, none of her siblings usually wanted to spend time alone with her and be trapped with her jokes.

Or as Luan liked to say, stuck in a _pun_ geon.

Nevertheless she agreed to which Luna smiled and made devil horns.

"Rockin'! Can't wait for the night with you, lil sis!"

Luan smiled as she followed Luna upstairs, trying to push the memory of what she almost did not ten minutes ago aside and let herself enjoy the rest of the day to the fullest.

If only it were that simple.

 **i had a whole big authors note planned out including what i was trying to convey this chapter but im not really feelin it so basically I was going to wait to upload this until after i had at least half of chapter 3 done but i havent had the time or energy to write or do much of anything really and figured id post this now it might be a while before chapter 3 or any other works are posted though anyway thanks for reading, take care dudes**


	4. Chapter 3

**Warning for emetophobia (section marked by xxx) and self harm**

On the way to school the next morning Luna opted to sit next to Luan instead of the front seat of the van. She also walked with Luan almost all the way to her locker, leaving her to wonder why the rocker had been extra friendly that morning and the night before.

Luan grinned as she thought about the fun they had.

She supposed she didn't mind _too_ much.

Three classes passed and surprisingly Luan didn't feel too bad. Luna had made the morning enjoyable, she felt confident about a test she had taken in Algebra, in English the teacher merely made them read chapters in their assigned books, and in Spanish class they watched a video since the teacher was absent. All in all she was content as she entered her next classroom, took a worksheet off the table by the door, and sat down for biology. She wrote her name on the sheet absentmindedly and read the first question.

'What are three differences between plant and animal cells?'

Luan recorded her answers.

'The plant cell has chloroplast, a cell wall, and a much larger vacuole then an animal cell'

That was the only question she knew the answer to confidently.

' _They're really trying to cell me on biology'_

Next question.

Next answer.

Luan could hear the scraping of graphite on her paper. She could feel the slight vibrations run through her fingers and dissipate up her hand, feel the strange texture of the paper moving against her hand as she wrote.

Next question.

The fabric of her clothes rested uncomfortably on her skin, exactly in the same place they had been without a problem moments ago

Next answer.

So suddenly and subtly she became hyper aware of her body.

Next question.

Luan could feel every inch of her skin and every inch of her skin could feel _something_.

Same question.

Her heart hammered in her rapidly constricting, hollow feeling chest.

 **Boom**. Same question. **Boom**.

A familiar feeling settled in Luan's gut as her lungs seemed to weaken.

Boom.

She rose surprisingly steadily and asked the teacher if she could use the restroom.

Her throat tightened and tears threatened to spill from her eyes as she left, doing her best not to run or seem as frantic as she felt. As soon as she shut the door to the bathroom all bets were off though. She ran in record time into a stall, all but slamming the door behind her. Luan sat and her chest heaved, strange, fuzzy spots danced at the edges of her vision.

She tried to breath but her chest only tightened as she began to hyperventilate. It felt empty, as if the contents of her chest cavity had sunk into her abdomen.

All she could think as the sadness and worries settled back into each bit of empty space in her mind and into every nook and crevice of her body was that she was going to _die_.

And damn if that thought didn't both terrify and excite her.

She had to of been staring into space, crying and choking, for a while because the bell that signaled the middle of the period rang, knocking her out of her stupor. It only served to make her sink deeper into her general depressive, anxious state though. She couldn't go back to class, not now when her eyes were red and puffy and tears stained her cheeks.

xxxx

An idea popped into her head and she raised her shaking hand until her fingers were level with her open mouth. She pressed down on the back of her tongue and the effect was almost immediate. Her stomach twitched and spasmed and the disgusting taste and burn of bile coated her throat even though barely any came up. She tried again and after some gagging her abdomen tightened, every muscle pushing up. Bile spilled into the bowl of the toilet and chunks of her breakfast weren't far behind.

xxxx

As the spasms died down and exhaustion hit her, Luan ripped some toilet paper from the roll and cleaned her fingers and around her mouth, ignoring the urge to try and rub the acrid taste from her tongue. She rose, albeit shakily, to her feet and walked mechanically to the nurse's office, the corners of her eyes watering. When she arrived the nurse asked her to sign in and why she was there.

After the nurse took Luan's vitals she called Rita.

"Good news Luan, your mom will be able to pick you up when she goes on her lunch break soon. Until then just rest."

Luan managed a thanks and the nurse went back to sit behind her computer. Even though she was tired, and probably wouldn't be able to move if she tried, a part of her mind protested the stillness of her body in the cot while another part of her mind embraced it.

Luan opened her eyes lazily when her mother came to pick her up and put off getting up until the last possible second. She managed to drag herself from the cot and Rita guided her out of the building. Before long she found herself seated once again, this time on their couch at home.

"Alright sweetie, is there anything you need before I go back to work? I can stay if you need me to."

Luan shook her head, "No it's fine," her tiredness was evident in her voice.

"Okay, but if you need anything call me," She kissed Luan's forehead and headed outside, shouting one last 'I love you' before shutting the front door.

And once again, she was alone.

And once again, emptiness ate at her chest.

She thought of the day prior, thought of her little trip to the kitchen, and like an insect on fly paper the idea stuck, her mind hyperfocusing on doing it again.

This time with nobody to interrupt her.

Her lead feet dragged but the ball and chain which had been weighing her down seemed to help her along to where the silverware was.

A sense of deja vu washed over her as she gazed at the shiny utensils. The fillet knife was nowhere to be found so she picked up a small knife with a smooth blade. Goosebumps spread on her arm as, once again, the cool metal met her skin.

With shaky breaths she turned the knife so that the sharp part was making a small indent on her arm and in a split-second impulse she slashed her arm three times. Oddly enough it felt like nothing.

Then it started tingling.

Then a mild burning.

Then came the pain.

Luan all but threw the knife down and looked where the pain was coming from. It was obvious that the middle one was the worst, beads of blood leaked from it faster than the other two cuts and it seemed that the skin was split wider.

She fucking hated it. It hurt like hell.

Then the realization.

She wore white tank tops every damn day, how was she supposed to hide the cuts?

Luan quickly rinsed the knife and grabbed a few paper towels to absorb the blood. In a panic she tried to think of a believable excuse when the resident cat of the Loud house bumped his head affectionately into her leg then stretched, revealing claws that Lana hadn't clipped for the month yet. She almost felt bad when the idea wormed its way into her head.

' _Sorry, Cliff. You're gonna have to take the heat for this.'_

She knew he wouldn't actually get in trouble but the guilt was still there.

Then again it always seemed to be there.

But now there was actually a reason for it, no matter how ridiculous.

Luan sighed, dread and depression bubbling in her torso as she covered most of the cuts with band-aids.

It wasn't the prettiest job and the ends of the cuts were still visible but it would have do, after all, her siblings would walk through the front door any moment.

Just thinking about it made her stomach churn, what if they saw right through her?

Thankfully her thoughts didn't have time to spiral because the doorknob rattled. Luan pat Cliff's head one more time before the front door opened and he scampered away, leaving her alone as her siblings filled the house.

 **ooooooohhhh shits getting real, its always the cat getting blamed**

 **im really tired but unfortunately i had motivation to write this im now starting working on chapter four of this, a angsty luaggie ficlet, and a oneshot (probably) for a crackship of mine so woo, lets hope this writing fever keeps going**

 **also i dont have a song for this chapter yet, sue me**

 **Thanks for reading, comments/reviews etc are very appreciated**


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